As a diabetes professional, Lynn Sutton, R.D., CDE, knows all too well the challenges and complications of the disease. When her husband, Terry, 55, was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes more than three years ago, Lynn was shocked and tried to share her knowledge with him. "I felt responsible for his health," says Lynn, 50, of Bethlehem, New York. "I kept wondering how I could have a husband with such high blood glucose."
But what Lynn perceived as being helpful — offering education and information — Terry saw as nagging. Some nights, Lynn would come home to find empty fast-food french fry boxes and potato chip tubes. That's when she began taking a more subtle approach. She stopped talking about how Terry was handling his diabetes and simply began buying more healthful foods.
A partner's fear and worry about a loved one who has diabetes can easily be translated into criticism and nagging, which puts everyone on the defensive. The result is a contentious relationship where genuine concerns go ignored.
"Being diagnosed with diabetes puts a person in the stages of grief, but caregivers often go through those stages, too," says Liz Bello, R.D., L.D., CDE, director of diabetes education at Diabetes America. "Sometimes people with diabetes take their condition in stride, while it's the caregivers who take longer to cope."
One study found partners of people with type 2 diabetes had the same levels of depression and anxiety as their loved ones with the condition.
Who's in the Driver's Seat?
One of a partner's biggest frustrations may be lack of control, which can cause constant worry over daily issues. Is your loved one eating too many carbs? Did he take his medication? Is she getting enough exercise? Will he go blind someday?
Accepting the reality that you can't control what someone else does is a difficult hurdle for many. "People will only do what they're motivated to do," says Richard Rubin, Ph.D., president of health care and education for the American Diabetes Association and associate professor of medicine and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore. "The fact is, people make decisions all the time that directly affect their blood glucose. To exercise or not exercise. To eat or not eat. To sleep or not sleep. That means there will be times when you see loved ones not doing the right things."
Rubin recommends that caregivers let go of the notion that their loved ones with diabetes will always make the right choices. "Perfection is something that lasts for a moment, but diabetes lasts for a lifetime," he says. "What you want is for your loved one to be in good health in general."
Transferring Responsibility
The turning point for Lynn and Terry occurred when Terry attended a seminar Lynn was presenting on diabetes management. "He looked at me after the workshop and said, 'You're really good. You know what you're talking about,'" Lynn says. "It was strange because I'd been saying most of it to him for a long time."
For the past couple of years, Terry has been changing his dietary habits. He now buys whole wheat pasta and has stopped patronizing fast-food restaurants. He has given up smoking and in exchange has taken up biking and hiking. In addition, Terry has been reading more about his condition in magazines and newspapers. "Letting it be Terry's diabetes and not mine has been very helpful to me," Lynn says. "I'll always be there to answer his questions or help with food choices, but I'm not letting his diabetes be my challenge anymore."
Helpful Involvement
To discern how your loved one is doing, Rubin recommends asking about his or her A1C level and taking an honest assessment of your day-to-day lives. If the A1C is below 7 percent and your loved one is enjoying life, then it's time to relax a little. But if your loved one's A1C is high and his or her health is poor, then offer to work together to find the right motivation to improve it. "Say, 'I want you to be around for as long as me, and sometimes I see you doing things that won't help that happen,'" Rubin says. "Then tell him or her that you know how difficult it is."
The goal is to encourage your loved one to do better, not to nag about it. "Encouraging by nagging will have two bad outcomes," Rubin says. "You won't get the action you want, and the constant stream of advice will negatively impact your relationship."
Discussing the Issues
As with any issue between two people, open and honest communication is the secret. When a young child has diabetes, a parent can more easily direct self-care. But when it's a teen, a spouse, or an elderly parent, communication can become tricky.
"Diabetes is often the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about," says Lawrence Fisher, Ph.D., professor of family and community medicine at the University of California, San Francisco. "But couples who can engage, collaborate, and problem-solve have the best chance of being successful. These couples can develop a solution together and be mutually supportive."
But what Lynn perceived as being helpful — offering education and information — Terry saw as nagging. Some nights, Lynn would come home to find empty fast-food french fry boxes and potato chip tubes. That's when she began taking a more subtle approach. She stopped talking about how Terry was handling his diabetes and simply began buying more healthful foods.
A partner's fear and worry about a loved one who has diabetes can easily be translated into criticism and nagging, which puts everyone on the defensive. The result is a contentious relationship where genuine concerns go ignored.
"Being diagnosed with diabetes puts a person in the stages of grief, but caregivers often go through those stages, too," says Liz Bello, R.D., L.D., CDE, director of diabetes education at Diabetes America. "Sometimes people with diabetes take their condition in stride, while it's the caregivers who take longer to cope."
One study found partners of people with type 2 diabetes had the same levels of depression and anxiety as their loved ones with the condition.
Who's in the Driver's Seat?
One of a partner's biggest frustrations may be lack of control, which can cause constant worry over daily issues. Is your loved one eating too many carbs? Did he take his medication? Is she getting enough exercise? Will he go blind someday?
Accepting the reality that you can't control what someone else does is a difficult hurdle for many. "People will only do what they're motivated to do," says Richard Rubin, Ph.D., president of health care and education for the American Diabetes Association and associate professor of medicine and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine in Baltimore. "The fact is, people make decisions all the time that directly affect their blood glucose. To exercise or not exercise. To eat or not eat. To sleep or not sleep. That means there will be times when you see loved ones not doing the right things."
Rubin recommends that caregivers let go of the notion that their loved ones with diabetes will always make the right choices. "Perfection is something that lasts for a moment, but diabetes lasts for a lifetime," he says. "What you want is for your loved one to be in good health in general."
Transferring Responsibility
The turning point for Lynn and Terry occurred when Terry attended a seminar Lynn was presenting on diabetes management. "He looked at me after the workshop and said, 'You're really good. You know what you're talking about,'" Lynn says. "It was strange because I'd been saying most of it to him for a long time."
For the past couple of years, Terry has been changing his dietary habits. He now buys whole wheat pasta and has stopped patronizing fast-food restaurants. He has given up smoking and in exchange has taken up biking and hiking. In addition, Terry has been reading more about his condition in magazines and newspapers. "Letting it be Terry's diabetes and not mine has been very helpful to me," Lynn says. "I'll always be there to answer his questions or help with food choices, but I'm not letting his diabetes be my challenge anymore."
Helpful Involvement
To discern how your loved one is doing, Rubin recommends asking about his or her A1C level and taking an honest assessment of your day-to-day lives. If the A1C is below 7 percent and your loved one is enjoying life, then it's time to relax a little. But if your loved one's A1C is high and his or her health is poor, then offer to work together to find the right motivation to improve it. "Say, 'I want you to be around for as long as me, and sometimes I see you doing things that won't help that happen,'" Rubin says. "Then tell him or her that you know how difficult it is."
The goal is to encourage your loved one to do better, not to nag about it. "Encouraging by nagging will have two bad outcomes," Rubin says. "You won't get the action you want, and the constant stream of advice will negatively impact your relationship."
Discussing the Issues
As with any issue between two people, open and honest communication is the secret. When a young child has diabetes, a parent can more easily direct self-care. But when it's a teen, a spouse, or an elderly parent, communication can become tricky.
"Diabetes is often the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about," says Lawrence Fisher, Ph.D., professor of family and community medicine at the University of California, San Francisco. "But couples who can engage, collaborate, and problem-solve have the best chance of being successful. These couples can develop a solution together and be mutually supportive."
